Talk less, listen more

We all need friends, yet many say they have few friends who genuinely care about them. Friendship is vitally important, but more and more people say they are lonely.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Unfortunately, many who want friends have no idea how to be a good friend. We cannot make someone be our friend, however, Emerson suggests we focus less on making a new friend and more on being a good friend.

Sadly, I saw this play out at an event I attended recently. Two people were talking when a lady not part of their conversation injected herself into it. She began talking about a time when she had a similar experience. Perhaps I am being too harsh, but what she shared had little to do with their discussion. It came across as forced and did not reflect well on her, however, each of us has probably done the same thing at one time or another.

In Dr. Cecil Osborne’s classic, “The Art of Getting Along with People,” the author suggests we change how we relate to others. He wrote, “Listening is not just passive hearing. It is an active participating experience in which you pay genuine attention to what the other person is saying. Here are some principles that should help you become a better listener:

1. Don’t grab the conversation: ‘Yes, now take me for instance.’

2. Don’t let your gaze wander from the other person’s face…’

3. Validate the feelings of the other: ‘Yes, I see what you mean.’

4. Don’t interrupt.

5. Don’t try to top the other person’s story or joke.

6. Don’t criticize.

7. Ask appropriate questions: ‘What happened then?’ or ‘How did you feel?’

8. Don’t argue.” 

Multiple scripture passages encourage this kind of focused listening. For example, “…be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19, NLT) The Apostle Paul made the same point when he wrote, “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, NLT) 

If we focus on making ourselves look good, we are unlikely to make a positive impression on anyone and will likely alienate those we want to impress. On the other hand, if we listen when others are talking and focus on them instead of ourselves, we set the stage for healthy dialogue. Honest conversations are usually the first step toward healthy friendships.

The consistent advice from the three authors I mentioned earlier encourages us to talk less and listen more. Do that, and you will have healthier friendships. However, focusing on ourselves instead of genuinely listening sabotages the friendships we all want and need.