Dave Ramsey
Dear Dave,
My parents recently lost their home due to some very bad financial habits. They have always had financial problems, even though my father is smart and makes good money. They found another place to live, but since all this happened, my father has been constantly asking me for money. He asks me to come over to talk about this when my husband is at work, and my mother isn’t home. The last time, he even asked me to give him half of an inheritance I received from my grandparents. I’m really feeling guilty about everything. Can you help?
Alicia
Dear Alicia,
I know this is a hard thing to talk about. It’s an even harder situation to be in. Honestly, I think your brain knows exactly what needs to be done, but your heart is having a tough time handling it all.
What I’m going to say next will be difficult to hear. Your father is being manipulative. He’s acting like a travel agent for guilt trips. There’s nothing wrong with doing a few, short-term things to help out your folks if they’ve been through a rough time. But something like this shouldn’t become a habit, even with parents. And if you choose to help them out, you have every right to expect to make that help contingent on the fact they change the behaviors that put them in this situation.
There should be no more private meetings with your father, either. The next time he calls, you need to make sure he understands a meeting will only happen if your husband and mother are present. To this point, he’s tried to hide all his sneaky behavior. This should be brought out into the open and stopped. I know you love your parents, Alicia. That, along with your dad’s behavior, is what’s making this so difficult. But taking part in this sort of thing isn’t going to help anyone. Plus, it’s dishonest.
Any financial help you give needs to have limits. No loans, either. Make it a gift. You and your husband should agree on exactly what you’re going to do, and how much you’re willing to give. And it should be on your terms. Don’t get involved in giving them money every month for the rest of their lives just because they’re your parents. That’s not how this is supposed to work.
Dave
